The drive was a scenic extravaganza. Tall trees lined the road on one side and an expanse of tall green grass lorded on the other. The tall trees swayed and wild flowers danced in the breeze. We were on our way to a holiday home and eager to get there.
And suddenly, there he is! In the middle of the road. Sometimes glaring at us. Sometimes looking away. Not moving. He is holding up the traffic. He is being insensitive. Selfish really!
Or worse! Is he mean? Plain vindictive!
Wait! Perhaps he is startled. Or not sure which way to go?
He gives his antlers a shake. Jiggles his spindly legs. Within seconds he vanishes into the trees.
The incident takes me back to a time when we had a small neighborhood party. We had assembled a treasure box for the kids. The box had an assortment of stuff that the kids could pick from. Tarun, who was visiting his grandparents, came too.
“Come Tarun, what would you like? A soft rabbit, a yo-yo, or” I paused to rummage for something more intriguing, “a cup with two handles?” I asked, offering options. “I don’t care,” he said, sending shock waves in my head. Taken aback, and at a total loss for words I pushed a toy into his hand and Tarun walked away. In my world, I DON’T CARE was as offensive as a slap in the face! I translated it into, ‘I don’t like being here’, ‘I don’t like you’, or worse, ‘I don’t respect any of this’.
Why is a child so rude?
Let’s look at some incidents and take a peek into the thoughts behind the words.
Poor vocabulary: When Tarun said, “I Don’t Care” he meant “There are too many options, I am unable to choose”. Children with low vocabulary tend to use the easiest way out — by blurting a familiar phrase, however inappropriate that may be. A good adult response would be to rephrase the kids’ response. I should have said, “You do not like anything here?” or “Can I choose for you?”
It’s not personal: Sometimes adults make rules that the kids do not like or agree with. Let’s say your kid wants to have a sleepover at a friend’s house, and you don’t know the family, or are unsure if the place is safe. And so you say ‘NO’. Your child may scream (but everyone is going), be rude (I hate you), bang doors. You must remember that despite all that kid says, he does love you. Do not take this rudeness personally. It’s not about you. Focus on keeping your child safe. Parenting is not a popularity contest. And it’s quite OK if he does not see your logic.
An agreeable display: Physical signs of protest (talking back, toppling furniture) is the kid’s reaction to disappointment. Wait until the atmosphere is calmer. Sit the child down and come upon an agreeable way of showing disappointment. What should he do when he is disappointed? I have a cousin who as a kid would announce “I am very angry.” And she would go into a particular corner of the living room and squat on the floor! Accepting and acknowledging the emotion brings amazing relief to both parent and child.
Deeper than it shows: Sometimes a child’s rude behavior is a sign of a deeper worry. Pilu ignored every chore assigned. Her laundry was mounting, her dinner plates were left unwashed, her hair had not seen shampoo for weeks, and every time her parents tried to remind her, Pilu resorted to loud screaming, she stormed into her room and locked herself in. The underlying reason? Pilu had done something to upset her friend-group in school and they had stopped talking and hanging out with her. For a teenager this was traumatic. Her rude behavior was a result of her stress. Here’s what you can do; Speak to your child without the distraction of your mobile, a task on hand etc. And not necessarily only when there is a problem. Believe me, they want to share their concerns with you, but they feel you are too busy to be disturbed by their trivial needs.
The silent shrug: Another familiar child response is the silent shrug or a characteristic eh! You try to begin a conversation with a child ‘So how was school? Did you have lunch? Would you like to play a board game?’ And the child gives you the silent treatment. Your blood boils! You are exploding with affronted anger. The child is avoiding answering because she knows that the answer will be unpalatable for you! Or the child does not know the answer. Or the child has actually forgotten what he did during lunch hour!
A mirror: Perhaps your child mirrors your behavior? Your child will not do what you teach, he will do what you do. Stop and recall. How do you react to disappointment? What do you do when you feel stressed? Do you shout? Do you bang doors? Are you inconsiderate and rude? Well, Remember, your child learns from what she sees!
No residues: And of course do not carry the situation into the next day. You have laid the rules, you have made clear the behavior was not acceptable, you have suggested what else the child could have done. That’s it. Move on! Talk to the child as always. Let not the atmosphere of unease remain forever!
You may still get it wrong: You may do all this and yet have to deal with rude behavior. Don’t beat yourself up too much. Don’t over think parenting. Give your child the space to sort out thoughts. If there is love, it will all be fine.
Happy Parenting.
Did you enjoy reading up simple solutions to complex problems? You will enjoy this collection of short stories based on Urban Living.
