A look at relationships
“I don’t want to see anything on the center table. Look how messy it is! Your book, the puzzle box, that bunch of pens. Take it all away and wipe the table clean. Must look new,” he shouted across the hall at nobody in particular.
A squeaky voice of a cheeky 7 year old interrupted the volley of words, “If you wanted it to be clean like new always, you should have left it in the shop!”
We melted into helpless laughter!
But that’s what happens in most homes. One member feels strongly about a particular quibble. And expects the entire household to comply. Because you see…. that is the way to be!! How things are arranged inside the fridge, how shoes are placed on the rack, liquid detergent or pods, laptops in the living area, plastic carry bags or cloth bags, ring marks by not using coasters, watching TV while eating or not. The list is unique to every home. It is these little things that create most disharmony.
Affectations are in office places too. With every new boss, you encounter a new set of ‘the way things should be done.’ How meetings are scheduled, how emails are dealt with, how responses are treated, what casual conversation is acceptable in elevators and what to say while waiting for stragglers to join a web meeting, the team learns a new way every time.
Love isn’t safe. And whoever you love will hurt you. It’s part of the human experience. No one is perfect…People make mistakes. The secret is to focus on what they do right and decide what quirks you can live with. — Author: Kristin Billerbeck
The thing with quirks is that I know my quirk. Wait! It is not a quirk but the way to be. How come you are unable to do what is right? (Perhaps there are other ways of looking at things? at life?)
What! You cannot read my mind? You are my best friend, my spouse, my family, You’ve known me for so many days… You know what makes me angry. (No, they cannot read your mind. Express your thoughts in simple words, without shouting! Most minds stop listening when you shout.)
“Place the toothpaste tube parallel to the edge of the sink. That’s all I am asking. And what is this silly thing of yours. So what if the knives are not in one particular order. Why make such a fuss? Ridiculous!” (We rarely make sense of oddities of others, on the contrary our own idiosyncrasy seems totally sane and logical.)
People’s youthful quirks can harden into adult pathologies. What’s adorable at 20 can be worrisome at 30 and dangerous at 40. — Author: Pamela Druckerman
Of course every family needs rules. Every family needs an accepted structure to work with. But what can you do if your family is unable to accept or pander to your fetish?
Is there a solution?
For convenience I take a single whim— messy shoes and socks strewn around. Try this!
- For one month make it a point to place the shoes, yours and those of others exactly how you want it — without grumbling, mumbling, rumbling.
- Remind your family that arranging the shoes properly means a lot to you. Compliment whenever job gets done. Say a nice Thank you!
- Buy a shoe-rack and a dirty-sock holder. Make it convenient to arrange the shoes in the rack. Make the rack accessible.
- Buy a poster that reminds one to place the shoe in the rack and pin it near the door.
- Place a nice smelling perfumer on the rack. The smell will trigger the response you need.
- A potted plant makes the room look nice and nobody likes to mess up a pretty place.
- Look within. Why does this aberration mean so much to you that it disturbs your peace? and makes you so angry? Is there a personal dream towards which you are not working? Sometimes an anger at our own incompetency makes itself visible in strange ways.
- Why is this particular quirk important to you? Is it to impress others? Is it for family health? Is it because that was how your dad wanted it done? Find answers.
- Remember that most of us are basically lazy and like to avoid making an effort. If your family fails to respect your quirk do not assume that they do not love you. Understand that they are busy otherwise or being plain lazy.
- Choose your battles. In the broad scheme of things, what is more important?
Some rules are required for health, harmony and safety. Not all rules are quirks. Let us learn to distinguish the two, and name them as such. Have a discussion or a game with your family. ‘Is this a Rule or is this a Quirk?’ Quite often your family will help you understand it better.
Ratna Rao has authored 5 books. Her books help you find fun family time. The books have attractive black&white doodles that excite the imagination of the child. Open to any page, play the ten-minute game. It may help you find a hobby.
